Back to work Day 1 was busy to the brim but always time for some smses.
Had an answer to my question, wondering if its gonna be good.. or just words that sound nicer.
Taurians, never quite a player - i hope.
I can totally feeeeeeeeel it.
Realised a change in my post title? Yes! Totally over with the counting of days im trying to move on.
Back from Perth .. it was fantastic! Twist of events, things happened at the least expected but totally loveeeeeeeeeeee it.
I am missing Perth and all my friends made over there already .. and of cos .. *ahemahem
The past 8 days had been so shiok .. i really dont wanna come back to Sg..
I left 2 things in Perth which i forgot to bring it back with me..
First, my troubles. And second, my heart.
I brought back nice sweet wonderful memories and i just wanna make it even sweeter and nicer ..
Not gonna elaborate any further but i can pretty much say, im back to my old happy self. Maybe not totally yet, but so much better than before.
xoxo
and ive been struggling so hard to live past these few days .. it was quite an emotional challange. I cant say i totally won over with my head over heart theory, because i know i failed at some time of the day, or rather, night, but i think i still survived a little.
Leaving to Perth in a few hours time ..
Happy Valentine's Day ..
and i still find myself crying to sleep.
Its so tiring.. to smile and pretend to be happy in front of everyone. Im quite tired of this pretence.
I hate pretends and hyprocrisy. I hate to lie. I hate lying to myself and people around me. But this lie makes the world goes round, this lie makes it a better place for everyone. But only for everyone else except me.
People say, dont live for others but yourself. Why do i always find myself putting other people before me?
I look at myself in the mirror every day and i feel so sad for myself. "This girl needs help, she's still not facing it, she's only running", I felt.
I am not a very independent person, i admit. I dont like to do things alone.
I ever tried having lunch alone, kinda sucky. I even tried catching a movie alone at the busiest time of the day. I am pretty proud of my 'achievements'.
Whats next? Im flying to Perth alone this Valentines'. Mixed feelings - a little excited, a little scared.
I dont really wanna go, but yet i kinda wanna go. I dont know how you call it, but its a very perplexed feeling.
Perth may be a very boring place, nothing much to do, nothing much to see. You think i dont know? But why am i going? I just need to get out of here, i need to go somewhere else for a little breather. If i have a choice, i wouldnt want to spend a week at Perth doing nothing, but because i dont exactly have a choice and before i really go insane, maybe going away is the optimal choice.
Im so tired .. so tired of being everything else but me.
I survived.
With puffy eyes and more fragments of my broken heart, i survived today.
Too many things happened this week. Blow after blow.
It was tough, but still, i survived.
I kept saying that i want to move on, but deep down my heart i know im not ready.
Dont think i have any other options. Whether i like it or not, i have to reach the finishing line.
The race started with 2 individuals, but now im left with only myself to end it. Couldnt get over the fact that why a mistake made by two have to end up facing all burdens and consequences by one.
But forget it, no point arguing, no point splitting this heartache anymore. Its just me..gotta accept the fact that its just me..to endure all these pains and face the consequence.
I hope you're happy now, you better be happy.
I survived today.
It was hard to bear, need i say more?
I pissed him off, unwillingly. Its probably better that he hates me so i can in turn hate him back, might be easier for me. But would i ever hate him? I doubt.
Got home with an email from mum, adding on to my frustrations. It just keeps coming, it doesnt stop, does it?
I cant feel myself today, like a souless self trying to find my way. And to add on to my miseries and pains, he had to tell me stuffs that i already know but couldnt help but to show.
He thinks he knows how pain it is, i bet he doesnt know how pain it actually is.
Day 1 was a terrible start.. God , how am i going to continue my days as it will only get harder.
I dont dare to think ahead, i dont dare to look forward, im too afraid.
Because this time round i cannot fail, and i have only myself to make it a success.
I was kicked to a corner on a mission of the almost impossible. Not that strong..
All i wanted was a helping hand, but all i got was a further kick.
Day 1 .. i survived.
Tomorrow, will be a tougher challange.
I am not looking forward, not at all.
I hope you're happy now, with one frustration off your mind.
I hope you're happy now, that i finally agreed to your terms.
I hope you're happy now, to achieve your ultimate goal.
I hope you're happy now, to see me in such pains.
I hope you're happy that you've got what you wanted, at the expense of losing my sane.
And if you ask me if these are all worthed it? I say yes, cos i love you, and i want you to be happy, ultimately.
I wish you're truly happy.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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